Indian Law: How Customs Glorify the Male
India has always boasted of having a patriarchal society. Most festivals of India celebrate the importance of the male as the head of the family through elaborate customs and festivals. For example, Bengal’s Jamaishoshti festival celebrates the son-in-law. The North Indian festival called the Karva Chauth requires the wife to hold fast for the long life of her husband on that day. Male centric customs and festivals have always been a part of Indian life, mirroring the special social status given to men. Unfortunately, these male-focused customs also paved the way for the practice of demanding dowry on behalf of the male. Indian law treats it as an offence to give or receive dowry but it is practiced openly in the society.
Indian Law: The Practice of Sati and Dowry
Another Indian custom that continues to cause much uproar is the practice of Sati (self-immolation of the widow at her husband’s funeral pyre). Indian law bans this practice but even now, there are many villages where the Sati is glorified and dragged to the pyre against her will. Later, a temple of worship is built to glorify the woman’s death such as the Rani Sati Temple in Jhunjhunu. Given these ground realities, marrying off one’s daughter is painful for Indian parents because they can never feel absolutely sure that their daughter will be given a place of love and honour in the new home.
Indian Law: How Customs and Literature Continue to Glorify the Male
According to Indian law, a woman is to be treated on par with a man. However, there is not a single Indian celebration where she is truly treated as an equal. Right at the start of this discussion, we had talked about Bengal’s unique celebration, Jamaishashti. Remember?
According to this festival, the son-in-law is treated to a lavish feast and is the occasion for the girl’s mother to propitiate the man who now controls her daughter’s life. It was also an occasion for a girl’s parents to be reunited with the married daughters. This meeting became a more formal occasion to show their ‘gratitude’ to the son-in-law.
The famous Indian author, Chitrita Banerji, in her essay, ‘The Propitiatory Meal,’ talks about the origin of Jamaishoshti, and also links it to folk culture, history and geography of Bengal. The folk origins trace back the festival’s true roots to the offerings made to Goddess Shashti, the protector of family and children. Geographical links span the tough terrain of Bengal which made it difficult for married daughters to visit their parents often. Perhaps we should take a more liberal look at the occasion and call it as an event during which the married girls met their parents. In practice, it was a meeting point whereby the daughters could make the demands that their mothers-in-law told them to and get the parents to act on it so that they could be saved from the abuse of the in-laws.
Banerji also refers to the 19th century woodprints and Bengali verses that detail a mother-in-law’s promise to her son-in-law about providing him with the best, such as ‘the major portion of her rice harvest after the rice is hulled, the whole head of any fish she cuts…’ The hidden message in these verses may have been discreet references to a greedy son-in-law.
All these literary references suggest the continuation of a social system where the Indian woman’s role is that of a provider of material comforts. From the moment she is married off, an Indian woman’s diminishing social status continues because she asserts her rights mostly due to domestic abuse or ill-treatment by her in-laws rather than out of a strong, independent personality
matru devo bhava - In India females were always respected. God could be male,female,niether or both. married women and young girls are were considered good omen and good luck. There are innumerable festivals that celebrate feminity in our society. males are even excluded from some of them. Dowry was just a passing, there were and will be times when females were purchased for brides. Dowry has its purpose as property settlement for females and a way to settle the new family. Any cermony for a householder needs his wife to be compulsorily present. females always had a say in domestic affairs. females had thier exclusive position in the society. daughters had share of the property.
i meant knows*, where is the edit option, admin??????
@Hammad - Thanks for discussing the points I'd mentioned.
Males, being made scapegoats? Don't we wish that was the case? Not really, I don't really agree because I don't know about if men are being made scapegoats for all issues where women face problems. It depends on the peculiarities of each situation. If that is the one-sided basis on which feminist movements target issues, it's unfortunate.
The problem on dowry and sati and other social problems are that on the surface, it appears like a womens' issue but it involves the whole family too and involves everyone at an individual level. These issues occur everywhere, in villages, cities etc. Like you've said, it is COMMON trouble for men and women.
If one's mind convinces that what that individual believes is the only right path and perspective, then no religion can play a meaningful role to change the belief. It becomes an individual's conscious decision whether to express the belief or not. And yes,that is something another individual cannot and should not trespass into.
In Hinduism, there are festivals that worship God. I don't know much about this to say anything on it.
With reference to the post, I believe in the writer's good intentions while portraying these issues. I do not believe there has been a generalization because I know worse issues affect women and these problems will continue to exist and worsen when we attempt to believe they don't.
Confusion does not stem from information on the Internet, it stems from the human mind's conflict between determining what is real and what one perceives to be real.
I also disagree about your last point. To me, if a man really respects a woman and reads this post, he is most likely to:
1. Identify his beliefs and the values that defined his approach to women.
2. Realize that his role has been a positive and supportive one in the life of that woman (whether it is as a friend, colleague or brother) through good and bad phases.
3. Feel proud of being a good human being in the best sense of the word.
In fact, there is every reason for a man to respect a woman more when he understands the complete spectrum of issues and prejudices a woman has to overcome and tackle in every realm of life. It's just a matter of seeing it in the right perspective.
@Vikrant - Thanks for the suggestion and feedback. Most of it is valid and for the same reason, let me share my thoughts with you on this topic as an Indian woman, not as some one who is out to denigrate men. Why should I? The most important person in my life are men - my father, my husband and my son.
So, my views given below are that of an ordinary person and not in any other capacity.
However, in families where a girl is not loved by her parents, it is a sad situation but even then, she is still under a safe net. Definitely, in homes where daughters are treated on par with the male siblings, care will be taken to finalize the right match for her but no one can be 100% sure that it will work out.
Lavish meal for the son-in-law is not the article's core message. Perhaps the article has not articulated the larger concern clearly. Problem is that in most Indian families that can hardly afford to celebrate any of these customs, the social pressure of doing so drives them over the edge to financial ruin.
The article's purpose, I am guessing, is to talk about certain customs that pave the way for considerable financial expectations from the girl's family. Having married off a daughter with considerable difficulty, it is cruelty to force more expenses down her parents' throats. If they can happily afford it, well and good, nothing like it to bring relationships closer. However, when these social expectations pose mental and economic difficulties for girls and their families, it becomes unjust.
I don't think the approach is about being against men at all because it is women who usually ill-treat other women. Perhaps the fact that men don't take a stand to protect their wives, daughters, daughters-n-law from ill treatment is an issue that should be discussed separately.
I can't speak for the writer but I can speak for what I have seen and witnessed as a lawyer. Many years ago, I met a Christian friend in Kochi and asked her if she is married and thats why we didnt see her in court, she tells me that in her community, the more educated the girl is, the higher the dowry expectation is. So, her parents were struggling to marry off her brother so that she could be married off with the dowry he gets! The vicious cycle moves on.
Another Christian friend from Kerala nearly got divorced because her parents had promised dowry after her brother's marriage and he ran off and got married to someone he loves and her family, obviously, disowned her and had no plans to give any dowry. This friend's in-laws threatened to throw her out unless dowry was given immediately.
Another girl I know was starved by her in-laws when she stopped working during the term of her pregnancy. Since she had stopped providing for the family, they felt she didn't deserve freshly cooked food and gave her stale food.
A South Indian friend who got married to a traditional family from the North against her parent's wishes was given a list of very expensive things to buy for each and every occasion by her in-laws. It included ruby set for sister-in-law and gold chain for mother-in-law! Her parents feared for her life and security so they took a bank loan to pay it off and now, their sons are paying the instalments!
In the name of religious customs, what we (meaning many others) actually do is deplorable.
Contrary to popular belief, dowry is a most rampant problem in Kerala, despite its matriarchal setup. A girl's family background forms the starting point of dowry negotiation.
The social pressures are huge. Dowry related harassment is huge and never reported coz of family honor and all that. Kerala has the maximum number of suicide rates too compared to the rest of the country, a lot of it has to do with such social imbalances as well.
Yes, I agree that there should be balanced coverage on gender issues. Like you said, there are many men who are tortured by women who misuse flawed dowry laws. Portraying the realistic picture of these issues is important not to turn women against men but to help them understand what their rights are, and how to work towards their family's happiness without being exploited, harassed or threatened.
In this regard, your feedback has a lot of constructive points that will be useful for LIG's forthcoming articles. Thanks!
Well!!!talk about much ado about nothing and read this!!!I impugn this post's relation with any law? and then why is a mother treating her son-in-law seen as propitiating? Cant there be more angles to a feast, other than MAKING PEACE?
Just because some Bannerjee wanted to generalize (may be)what happened with her or with her acquaintance, males can not be derogated like that, or for that matter, the in laws. As Vikrant stated, every practice was a result of contemporary situation, these practices became customs through the course of time. Their practice demonstrates a wish to hold on to the old values more than attempting to derogate females or establishing supremacy. Just think, there are so many festivals in India, many of which we don't even know the reasons of celebration!!!!! So how are CELEBRATIONS being confused as a PLOT of ignobility??? Explain please :-)
Also, 'lazy' females, under the guile of feminism, look for these emotional loopholes where they can question every practice at which they need to WORK and try to make their sermon SOUND very general and TRUE . I know what I say may not sink well with many females but just think about it, what if the gullible females are being taken for a ride by their own sex. What if few females are vindicating themselves?
Every society has norms and principles and what I call the 'Natural Order'. Females bear kids, males cant. Males can lift 100 kgs everyday over and over, females cant. Staying like this is synergetic, trying to establish any form of 'ism' (feminism or chauvinism) creates disorder.
I will conclude by leaving a question " When females can expect flowers and gifts from their earning males, can't males expect a nice and sweet welcome, free from these malicious feeling of being dominated or discriminated against?" This question ofcourse doesn't hold good for the urban crown which is better placed to be independent of responsibilities..
Also, wont you agree that the pressure of sustaining a family should be a reason enough for males to be an apostrophe from their duties and COOK up a stupid male movement where they are not held responsible? After all working like donkeys to help others survive is some exploitation as well? Ain't it? (again ..not for urban crowd, but then these festivals are not practiced by progressive females and neither do the males want them to, but ya it does feel nice!!)
What I really find funny about feminism is its loose objective. It's about safeguarding females....but from who? Ironically, in most cases of female exploitation,it's the females that are pitted against each others. (You need examples, turn to the Saas-bahu saga.) Most of the times when a greedy in law is discussed, its the MOTHER in law that is being criticized. Males gets grounded in between. So why not call feminism as "End Female Greed" movement?
I don't know whether Law is Greek or not but yeah this form of imbalanced thought process definitely is.
@Piyush - I agree with Dilip. That last sentence tells us all because these social customs influence the social system, which in turn, affects larger issues such as dowry harassment, domestic violence or abuse, female foeticide, and much more.
@Dilip Muralidharan - Can't help admiring your lightning fast response. Would have liked to know your detailed perspective around the topic too.
@Piyush: Re-read the last para. Laws are formed out of social practices and customs in each country unless those practices are challenged.
@Swapna You have mainly made two points: the dowry (and other expenses such as ceremonies) issue and the associated social pressure.
What I had to say about this article is that please don't make in-laws evil and greedy because not all of them are. Another point to note here is that this article is written purely from a perspective of a woman and her in-laws. It doesn't take into account the fact that the woman's parents could be in-laws to another woman who stands at the same situation. When you put that angle across, the perspective of most women changes because their parents are nothing less than God and perhaps the most innocent humans ever.
I know about Kerala's social issues such as dowry and that it has the highest suicide rate in India. The causation is not certain for these suicides and may not be attributed to dowry demands. I know dowry demands may not get reported but suicides and deaths are reported and Kerala as a state perhaps has one of the lowest number of dowry related killings and suicides.
The only solution here is to stop the hypocrisy. Whether you can afford it or not; don't give dowry and on the other side, even if your in-laws can afford it, stop asking for dowry. That's it; nothing else can solve the problem. It is like bribing govt. officials for speeding up the process of your work. Without bribing it will get delayed but it's not that it will not happen at all. That's what I said in my previous comment; don't make dowry a virtue which most parents are actually doing to get rid of the girl's responsibility of their shoulders.
As for ceremonies and occasions: I don't think one meal per year for one person (the evil and greedy son-in-law) as per the example in this article, however lavish it is, should be affordable by anyone in the world. Especially, when lavish is something that is defined by the standard of the host and not the guest.
@Hammad Good point, Internet is too powerful a medium to generalize issues that are not so general. We should all be careful about the sensitivity of issues before publishing them on the Internet.
@Vikrant - Personally, I don't have a single reason to make in-laws appear evil. A woman's perspective, life, happiness and sense of security may be of little importance in a patriarchal society but to equate the socio-economic issues that affect women and their honor within the umbrella of 'generalising' is a convenient way of approaching it.
Whether the girl's parents are at fault or the boy's parents are at fault, whether the girl's side is evil or boy's side is evil, the girl and the guy lose happiness in life and with each other. The number of pending divorce cases in our family courts will validate the extent of hopelessness thats slicing across marriages across the country. If we need to change this, we need to admit that there are mistakes that need to be corrected, beliefs that need to change and bold initiatives that we have to move forward with.
You said that most parents are actually giving dowry to get rid of the girl’s responsibility of their shoulders. Coming from a matriarchal social system in Kerala where daughters are treated with great love and respect, its really difficult for me to come to terms with that statement. However, I do read reported cases of parents who sell their daughters off or treat them badly. There may be many parents who treat daughters like dirt but can it be the case with all parents of daughters? I don't think so.
I believe that sensitive issues like this should be discussed and questioned because the Internet is a powerful medium that has good and bad, and for both, it infuses synergy into multi dimensional perspectives tolerantly. Even if we assume that the article has adopted a one-sided approach that treats all in -laws as evil, we should convert it into an opportunity for people to discuss, question and debate about their perspectives on the issue better.
Thanks for sharing your feedback, Vikrant. It's good to discuss and question these issues and our perspectives on it because we have different perspectives and it helps to see another facet of the same issue. Ultimately, we are looking towards solutions that can bring positive change in our lives and relationships.
Sorry some errors in the last comment. In the second last para, I meant "I think" and not "I don't think". I miss the "edit" button badly and really poor proofreading on my part.
PS was for Swapna
@Swapna:::::I will just copy paste what you wrote and guess it will put things in perspective.
"If one’s mind convinces that what that individual believes is the only right path and perspective, then no religion can play a meaningful role to change the belief. It becomes an individual’s conscious decision whether to express the belief or not. And yes,that is something another individual cannot and should not trespass into." It holds good for everyone; aint it?
"Confusion does not stem from information on the Internet, it stems from the human mind’s conflict between determining what is real and what one perceives to be real." I am sure you yourself wont agree with this. WRONG information triggers confusion. Internet, today, is the best way of putting words in the mouth. If you don't agree than you are severely mistaken , you are underestimating the power of internet.....i wonder, why is LIG being so keenly worked on????? is it not on the internet??????
@vikrant: I loved this part "The only solution here is to stop the HYPOCRISY. Whether you can afford it or not; don’t give dowry and on the other side, even if your in-laws can afford it, stop asking for dowry"
PS: I say this only because you are my friend, normally i wont bother but as this comes after your approval, I as a friend HAVE the right to raise doubts and clarify confusions or at least ask questions.
Peace and Best Regards
@Swapna: I had said this right after the question: "This question ofcourse doesn’t hold good for the urban crowd which is better placed to be independent of responsibilities.." so I understand what you mean by the answer and I agree.
"I disagree however, when you say that males get grounded in between the saas bahu saga in life. If it is a man’s mother or daughter who is humiliated, abused, insulted or threatened, I am certain it will not be tolerated calmly or in a state of confusion." ..I meant that males are the scapegoats; what ever wrong happens is invariably blamed on them. That's why feminist movements initiate agendas and target them all on how MALES catalyze them. I didn't intend to say that males should becomes chicken littles and get in their room to escape the fire. One should act like a MALE and they do without any complains.
I agree with your dowry point..it's inhuman and that's why everyone should ban it. Its a COMMON trouble point for males and females and needs to be addressed soon.
Though I agree that no religion or laws can ban the right to express, it, however, also doesn't ask you to keep shut when you read or hear utter biased statements.. Won't you agree? :) thats all that i did.
Also, i do know of festivals that glorify females, so whats your take on them? I have, personally, no issue with any form of glorification of either sex, we live symbiotically and one getting glorified is an indirect respect for the other one too...won't you agree?
I agree issues exist and they will keep existing, though with a downward trajectory, the point is generalizing issues on a poweruful medium like internet is partaking in generating a backlash wave that does no good, it spreads confusion not information. Everyone knowns these issues exist, but when written like this, they tend to generalize events thus belittling those who hold their females in the highest regards. And this is not idyllic :)
@Hammad, Thanks for penning your thoughts. Allow me to share my thoughts on your feedback because I know we are good friends and I have the freedom to share my thoughts with you and also because the topic itself covers issues that I feel strongly about.
For actual inputs of the author, you can always ask Raji (the feminist??)to respond to the thought process involved in writing this post.Personally, I can't support or speak against feminism coz I don't know what its about. If its about proving that women are supreme, I'd fight it coz of a simple reason - the men in my life have contributed most for my happiness & growth, namely - my father, my husband and my son.
About customs, I understand that we all have diverse beliefs and customs we embrace and hold dear. However, that should not take away a citizen's right to criticize, question, argue or debate on an issue that he/she feels strongly about. Nothing and no law or religion can justify customs such as sati, child marriage, dowry, domestic abuse, just to mention a few problems faced by women in India or in any part of the globe for that matter.
Questioning a custom doesn't mean one is a feminist. Speaking against killing wives at the funeral pyre or opposing dowry system does not make a person a 'feminist' or a 'communist' or anything of the 'ists' that exist. Such an approach is based on the belief that perhaps women should be given a humane treatment.
Yes, there are more angles to making a feast, coz it's not just about eating, when a custom forces it down the girl's family in anyway. That is when the social system, as a whole, is affected.
Let's not forget, the girl's family is not necessarily full of women but it also comprises a father, brothers, uncles and others who may have to make many sacrifices to meet the demands put forward by the in-laws. When there is no element of force, there is no requirement to probe into it.
I don't believe this article has been written with an intention to denigrate men. When the in-laws make demands, it is typically the girl's father or brother who has to shell out the money. This post covers specific customs in India that glorify the males and gets practiced in a way that is detrimental to the happiness of women and their parents.
I agree with what Vikrant stated, that every practice was a result of contemporary situation, and these practices evolved as customs with the course of time. Where I differ is that whatever old values we preserve, that's fine, provided the social system does not deteriorate to the extent that we are forcing aged parents to take out loans so that they can give more gold, sums of money and maintenance to their daughters, because of demands by in-laws or husband.
Any kind of custom that wields a hidden threat or forces a family to take or not take a course of action, should not be tolerated as is by educated people.
About your question, "When females can expect flowers and gifts from their earning males, can’t males expect a nice and sweet welcome, free from these malicious feeling of being dominated or discriminated against?†I will answer it because I believe it is a question you asked seriously.
Speaking for myself, I don't expect flowers from any males and if I get them, fine. Like many working women in India, I don't get to do the 'aarati' and 'traditonal' salutations to my better half by the time he reaches home, but I don't think that is going to lead to marital conflict at all. Times have changed. People understand and care about each other's growth rather than who's at the doorstep first situation. There are adjustments to be made and through it all, there develops something called mutual respect between a couple so that neither begins to feel dominated or discriminated.
However, there is a confession - something that dominates my life is there and I can rave about how nutty it drives me - my 4 year old and yes, my raving on that has nothing to do with feminism. I am confident that many working moms will agree with me on this:)
I disagree however, when you say that males get grounded in between the saas bahu saga in life. If it is a man's mother or daughter who is humiliated, abused, insulted or threatened, I am certain it will not be tolerated calmly or in a state of confusion.
About LIG, well, what can I say? Every article expresses a humane approach to the problems and difficulties faced by all cross-sections of people we are familiar with. There has always been balanced thought process involved in writing on this platform because we don't want to lose the trust and the good will of avid readers like you who give constructive feedback and enable us to evolve better every day. At LIG, we are glad to have you here, reading and debating our articles with us.
I agree with Piyush to an extent; this article seems unrelated to Indian laws and looks more of an attack on males and women's in-laws in the Indian (Hindu) society.
I am totally against dowry but at the same time I want to say that it is not only the male focussed customs that have lead to the growth of dowry system. The system of giving essential items of daily livelihood was actually started because girl's parents wanted to secure a certain standard of living for their daughter in the event of couple's separation from the joint family. Because in most cases, during that period, the process of separation was family feud and their was a lack of legal procedures around it, it was not certain that the person would get the right share of family's wealth. This is the reason why girl's parents gave away necessary items at the time of marriage itself. Secondly, in lot of cases, it is a matter of showing off the giving capacity on part of girl's parents. I take the example of Nisha Sharma who became popular for denying dowry. The fact that his father has arranged for all the dowry items, in fact two of each item, shows their willingness to give dowry. Although the whole world went gaga over her denial and subsequent arrest of the people from groom's side, the fact is that her eventual marriage involved give and take of same amount of dowry. Nobody questioned the fact that why they had initially agreed to give dowry.
While it is true and sad that the women abuse exists in the society this article does a little to bring out the complete picture and instead focuses on how the women is ill-treated by the in-laws. It does not throw light on the fact that abuse starts from the parent's place itself where a girl is an unwanted member, where the girl is denied lots of rights and freedom that her male siblings enjoy and where the girls are brought up as a burden on the family. I am sure, the households, where the girl is treated equally you would find that the parents take utmost care in selecting the match rather than marrying her off quickly to anyone by the virtue of dowry.
Moreover, it is fact that the one who earns the daily bread leads the family and in that period it was the male. Today, at least in the urban areas, both men and women earn and that's why the treatment is changing.
As for treating in the in-law with a lavish meal, I think any guest that comes to the house is treated by the host in the same manner. Remember "Athithi Devo Bhava" which is another very strong element of the Hindu culture. Where does it depict that it was done to appease the greedy son-in-law? Why can't it be treated like any other occasion or just a way to celebrate the daughter's reunion with parents? The writer, Ms Banerji, has actually not done anything more than building a spicy story with just the right ingredients of social issues, controversies and generalization of women abuse by in-laws and husbands. On the contrary, in today's times, there are equal number of men being tortured by women by using the flawed dowry laws. I think those men should also come up with an occasion like this to appease their evil in-laws and wife.
How is this article even related to laws of India?
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